im over it

been thinking a hell lot these days
if i have become slimmer, the reason would be the tears that were drained out from me.

lol.

just feel fucking pissed right now. that u would actually say sth so mean.
and speaking of "looks are deceiving". hell right. i would nv have thought that u would be such a selfish person, not sparing a thought for me.

"I really have stopped sparing you any thoughts"

fuck it. hurtful things shouldnt be said out after a breakup. its like as if u never loved or cared.
and even if it was a normal fren, u wouldnt even say things like that right?

even if it was on impulse, u would have apologized by now. but u noe wad? seems like it that u dun think u are wrong, u dun even think u need to bear any responsibility.

right. its all my fault then. cmon. i take it all. my fault.
yea stop saying that we shdnt discuss things like its whose whose fault.
becoz i was nv at fault. the one who did all the stupid things and thought of all the stupid things were u. and wad pains me the most is that u dun see it at all.

u say sorry and that u are not gd enough for me and that we are not meant to be tgt.
a pack of lies. and bullshit. BULLSHIT just to shirk responsibility and brush it off altogether.

coz if we are nt meant to be tgt, then we wouldnt have got tgt. and if u feel tt u are nt gd enough, u would want to become better and gd enough if u really luv the person. thinking of all the what nots and what ifs are just not the thing to do.

it is just selfishness and lack of love and confidence tt u would back out like that
and to even back out at a time like this.

a crucial time like this. making me hurt and all alone.
at a time like this.

if our personalities do not match, or that we cant stay tgt, i will find out eventually. dont need for u to shove it out of the blue and shock me. really shockingly. talk about lessening the pain. its akin to u making everything out to be so rosy, and then stabbing me in the back. leaving me foaming with ridiculousless.

fuck. if u feel uncomfortable. tell me. if ur not happy, tell me. if u cant tell me face to face, tell me thru msn, if u cant tell me thru msn, tell me thru email, if u cant tell me thru email, tell me thru every possible way u can think of. not bottle everything up until the last min, last crucial moment when im alr overwhelmed with so much shit. and then pretend all the while that we are good. seriously wtf is this. so the times when we enjoyed each other's company, and have so much fun tgt, and feel so much tgt, all fake? all?

right. so i shdnt blame u for bringing this up during these tough times where i am faced with so much shit and exams and stress and projects and girl's thing.

i shdnt blame u for not sparing a thought for a girl u were once so close with.

immature.

i shd blame myself then? blame the wrong "fate"?

fuck it.

ok. i blame myself for not guarding myself against u then. maybe i shdnt have put my heart and soul into the r/s?

ohwait. but that would make me like u.
heartless freak who would only noe how to backout and hurt the one who loves u so deeply.

nahh i wun be like that.
and i thought u would be one of the rarest good samaritans around? turns out otherwise?

im glad i talked to other frens. met other people who were in r/s just like we were. only then do i realize how u have been treating me like shit.

people dun mind travelling 1h, no matter how tired they are, just to be with their loved ones, just to see them home safe and sound.

people dun mind buying lavish gifts, to pamper their loved ones, just to see their face gleaming with joy

people dun mind the quarrels, and forgive and forget, just coz they noe they still love each other at the end of the day

all these i dun mind. bcoz i was beginning to think that travelling 1h+ to some faraway place would be worth it if i could be with him.
i was thinking of getting some gd camera for his bday so that he could use it in korea and ohmy how wonderful it would be to go to the korean exchange tgt!
i din mind the quarrels coz these small little things would spice up the r/s and we would understand and love each other only more at the end of the day.

apparently, u din understand all that. AND i noe u would ask me not to compare, coz we all have different views, different love language, different ways of expressing love......

hell right?

love is universal
love transcends all
and so for gdness sake. i noe love when i see it

so ur way of expressing love is?
to abandon her in times of need?
to neglect?
to ignore her when she tries to pacify u in a fight?
to interrogate her and question her interest for ur topics?
to lose faith?
to doubt her?
to doubt her?
and
to doubt her?

if there is love, then u would think of all possible ways to keep it going, to keep it alive,
and not to think of all the possibilities if not tgt, and how it would not work out.
instead u would have the courage to go on and on and on and on...

if u dun even have that, u dun deserve to love and to be loved.


so u never understood.
and i will never forgive unless u do.

i was prepared to put it all behind and to try to become good frens with the one whom had hurt me so much. but after that fateful conversation, i guess its hard

one who thinks only of himself and wanting the other party to fulfil his expectations is so not worth it. one who says words that not only not help to minimize hurt, but to further inflict harm on the other party, is totally not worth it.

i shall learn from failed r/s and move on, to become a better person, and to meet a better person. one who loves me so much that he wouldnt even think of leaving, wouldnt even think of all the negativities. i would make sure to establish the strongest of friendships, so that it would last.

with the one that deserves to love and to be loved.






goodbye.